That was me seven days ago. It was me six days ago. In fact, I'm still kinda asking the question. But the reason I decided to dedicate Things I'm Gonna Do This Week to making good habits and breaking bad ones was because of that of question. I was tired of imagining my world spinning out of control without any scientific justification. So in my desire to figure out what's next for me, I concentrated on the little stuff, and then paid attention to what bubbled up. I also forced myself to journal about it.
(deep breath)
Here's what happened:
I'm slightly regretting the choice of blogging that I feel
my world is spinning out of control.
With a statement like that, you run the risk of everyone that loves you
feeling like you don't know they love you. I also don't want this week to look like a fishing trip designed to
catch a six-pound Sympathy Card.
But enough of my insecurities…
I'm journaling this week because I have long-term goals and
not many short-term ones. I don't
know what's next. Nothing new
there, I guess… Show business is a
constant trust fall exercise. This
is different, though. I'm very
busy, but feel like I'm at a stand still, and I think that's what's making the
Earth seem like it's turning so fast.
Ugh. Even as I write that, I can hear my head giving itself
advise that doesn't make me feel any better. That's probably how I ended up on the couch this morning
watching crime shows on TNT.
Knowing you should do something and not feeling any motivation to do it
is a perfect recipe for cable surfing.
OK, so short term goals. Wash my car, get a haircut, go to the bank, grocery shop,
walk the dog, do laundry, wash dishes, exercise…
A rerun of the Oprah show is on. "When people show you who they are, believe
them." Maya Angelou. Oh wow. I almost wrote Maya Rudolph. HAHA! Not the
same person.
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It's Wednesday, and I accomplished all my goals yesterday! I'm going to allow myself to celebrate
it for a few minutes, and then move on.
I don't want the efficiency of my life to be dependent upon a checklist.
I took about ten minutes to meditate and pray last
night. (Can't believe I'm posting this kind of stuff… Breathe, Jeff. It's just a few days.)
I've started implementing a "technique" to my prayers that
has seemed to make them mean more to me.
When I'm asking for blessings or giving gratitude, I picture what I'm
saying and surround it with light.
It makes Prayer feel more powerful. It's incorporating the non-physical: my imagination, my
faith, my hope. Definitely a new
habit I want to keep.
Other habits I'm trying out today: a new workout
routine. Bad habit I'm trying to
leave behind: not eating because I don't want to spend money.
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Thursday = My legs are sore!
More importantly, though, I've found not only a new habit I
want to make, but a full on REVOLUTION I want to begin! I'm single handedly going to revive
Audience Etiquette. From here on
out I vow to be the best audience member in the world, thereby setting an example that hopefully others will follow. It consists of three very important pledges:
#1- I will enter the theatre 100% willing to go on the
journey that has been prepared for me to take.
#2- I will applaud after every musical number because I am NOT watching television in my
pajama bottoms.
#3- If I stay after the production to say hello to the
actors, I will initiate conversation with them, realizing that they have been
working for the past 2+ hours and shouldn't be expected to keep entertaining
me.
Sounds simple, right?
Apparently it's not! I was
in an audience tonight, and I'm positive we are currently experiencing a
very scary dip in audience etiquette. Our attention spans are shot, we arrive to the theatre already grumpy
and judgmental, and there's this pervasive attitude (particularly among theatre
performers) that actors should be more excited to see us after a show than the
other way around. Not true! Give them a compliment, people! It will not kill you, I promise. In fact, the pious restraint of your
self-righteousness could possibly be a character building exercise.
In other news, I need to stop "scripting scenes"
with people before they happen.
Talk about character building…
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I remember talking to a good friend of mine a couple years
ago and asking her if she thought it's possible to be taken advantage of if you
know that you are. My assertion
was it isn't possible because your awareness allows for your choice. It's only when choice is taken away
that you become a victim of such behavior.
Now that I think back on it, though, I'm reminded of the
famous proverb, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." Perhaps it isn't so beneficial to spend time justifying
someone else's actions, as it is to discern what kind of person you are for
going along with them in the first place.
So…it's Friday, and I'm angry, and I don't like it.
But the good news is I'm just angry at myself. That means I can just tell myself to
"go to hell," which then makes myself come back with, "No! I
don't want to cuz then I'll have to be there with YOU!" And then I retort back, "Then why
don't you just stop being mad at me!" And then I say, "Good idea. I'm sorry,
Jeff." And then I say,
"No, I'm the one who's sorry, Jeff." And then we kiss and make up.
Anyway, bad habit: Being too hard on myself.
Good habit: Stretching. My hamstrings are way too tight. Maybe I can meditate tonight in a wide second and kill two birds
with one stone. Poor birds…
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I hold my breath.
It's always been a downfall of mine. Artistically, physically, socially…
sometimes I just forget to breathe.
I've never passed out. It
never goes that far, but it does keep me from being at my best. Like tonight, I had to sing into a sound system that was kind of wretched, so I started holding my breath, not knowing how loud I should be. The good Lord gave you lungs, dang it, use them!!
Today's Saturday, and I'm taking a look at my world. It feels like the old one. Not biblically, of course, more like
the old one from two weeks ago.
Less spinning, familiar...
That worries me. It should
feel like a new one, shouldn't it?
Either way, I guess I'm grateful for a reprieve.
____________________________________________
I relapsed.
I returned to my bad habit from Thursday. BOO! I was in the middle of a conversation and had a thought to
share, but was immediately interrupted by my own brain "scripting" what
the other person might say in response, and so on and so on until finally the
person with whom I was having a conversation asked what all the silence was
about. ugh–
In better news, though, I was reminded of something very
important tonight. Conversations
aren't about right or wrong.
Relationships aren't about right or wrong. Life really isn't about right or wrong.
I mean, does anybody really ever get into a situation and
think, "You know, I want to make the wrong decision here." Even if they do, it's because they
think for whatever reason that the "wrong" decision is more
"right" than the "right" one. So why do we put so much stock in that way of thinking?
Say you convince someone that they're wrong. So what? What do you get out of it? The possibility of the other person feeling bad? The knowledge that you're right? Do these things actually make
life more fulfilling?
Conversations are about sharing. Relationships are about sharing. Life is about sharing! And regardless of how any of those things turn out, isn't it amazing to know you
participated? The joy is found in the selflessness of your participation. It's so much more satisfying than walking away thinking, "At least I was right."
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So to review, here's a summary of the good and bad habits I discovered this week:
Bad Habits
- Not Eating
- Scripting Life
- Being too Hard on Myself
- Holding My Breath
- Relapsing on Any of the Above
Good Habits:
- Short Term Goals
- Prayer & Meditation
- Exercise
- Audience Ettiquette
- Stretching
- Sharing
I'm happy with this list. It looks like a good start for me. There's power to be found here, and that's exactly what I need.
Here's to "Make or Break a Habit Week." May it continue for the next 28 days and beyond. That way, it won't just be a list, it will be a life.
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